Sex Isnʻt A Performance

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    Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado Boulder, stated the following in his conclusions of a study; “Having more sex makes us happy, but thinking that we’re having more sex than other people makes us even happier… it becomes an aspect of one’s identity that can be compared with the people around them. When the result of the comparison is positive, it increases happiness; when it’s negative it decreases it.” We’ve all seen it; the box of sketchy “man pills” from your local deli that promise to “strengthen your endurance, power, and performance”; the guy who constantly brags about how he fucks everyday for hours on end; the porn that shows men and women with perfect bodies, making sure to signify their pleasure at every second. It seems we’ve developed a culture that is set on only one way of having sex, the ideal way. But I think sex is a lot more of a broad concept than that-

 

    Let’s take a step back and realize how harmful the constant projection of ““ideal”” sex in our media really is. People expect to fuck for hours everyday, give and gain multiple orgasms during one session, and have genitals that look exactly the same as every other porn actor. But… sex isn’t porn. The two are wildly different. Nobody should go into their first time expecting porn. Sadly, most people who grew up watching porn will expect just that, just for them to come in a few minutes, and perhaps to not even really feel anything at all. It leaves people feeling disappointed. Not only this, but the these unrealistic standards lead to sexual performance anxiety- where one fears they don’t satisfy their partner or “perform” well in bed, so much so that the anxiety triumphs any arousal and it becomes distracting, and sometimes even all you could think about, and won’t be able to reach orgasm themselves. A study from University of Michigan Medical School placed performance anxiety as one of the main psychological factors linked to ED. A man’s ability to perform is tied to his sense of masculinity, and all of this leads to a massive amount of insecurity concerning not only body image, but how well we do things the “right” way in bed- and god forbid a rumor spread about that. Paula Hall, a therapist who specializes in sex and porn addiction, stated that “Guys who are in a partnered relationship often feel they cannot give their partner pleasure, which is not the case.” In this culture, sex is a competition. Who can last longer? Who has the more attractive body? Who’s better at being a pornstar? Partners, despite being partners, operate on their own, without a concern for their other. Your partner doesn’t get a say, because you should know how to fuck the right way already. Words don’t need to be exchanged if they don’t imply anything but pleasure. And it has to be the same cookie-cutter way every time, because straying from that is too risky. I think the way we view sex has a lot of room for improvement.

 

    It starts with realizing that there is no correct way to have sex. Sex is different to every person, and different people find different things pleasurable. There are different ways to define sex, there are different ways to enjoy sex. Sex is not linear, there is no grading system where you get judged on how well you did relative to the perfect example. There is no textbook with all the rules, all the do’s and don'ts laid out in a clear cut manner. That’s why “ideal” sex doesn’t exist- sex is different to everyone. It’s never about “what most people like.” There is no perfect way to have sex, sex is a spectrum, and everyone falls somewhere in between romantic gestures to full-on penetration. That’s why communication is key- talk to your partner so you know their definition of sex, and so you get to explore it with them. Let them know what you want, and listen to what they want. Slow it down, speed it up, a little off, move this here. Because it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fuck up. What matters is that your partner lets you know, and that you have an understanding for each other. 

 

            

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    This tweet confused me when I saw it, because... why would she let this happen? She knew she wasn’t being satisfied, and she had the ability to simply tell him, and help him, but she made the choice not to. I feel as if she was thinking more about how cool it would be to make fun of him for it years down the road, as opposed to any preexisting goals of actually enjoying their time together. I’m not saying to settle for mediocrity, or to just accept it when you’re not pleased in bed. In fact, I’m saying the polar opposite. Take action, let your partner know. Communicate and work it out together. It’s not a big deal, it never is. There’s nothing wrong with fucking up now and then, so help them, so they could help you. When you have the ability to let them know when you’re not pleased, there’s nothing stopping you from having fun together.

 

    When you have sex is when you’re most vulnerable. This person chose you, not anyone else, to be vulnerable in front of you, because they love you for you, imperfections and all. Societal expectations about what your body should look like, or how well you should perform, shouldn’t matter. That’s where you should forget about any pre-existing expectations, any standards you picked up on, any past experiences. That’s when it’s nothing but you, your partner, and the moment. It’s that rush of adrenaline you feel when you have them with you. That’s when you feed into any impulses or desires you may have. Something slips up? Who cares?! let out a laugh, be vulnerable together. There’s nothing you should have to hide, there’s no laughter you should hold in in order to keep things serious. Let each other know how you feel, physically as well as mentally. Just have fun. Because that’s what sex is supposed to be- fun. It’s when you share happiness with another person, enjoy each other’s company, play with each other. Who cares about what’s “impressive”? “Good in bed” doesn’t exist. Sex isn’t a performance- performances are performer and audience. Sex has neither a performer nor an audience. There’s no anxiousness, no stage fright of any kind. There’s no critics, there’s no number of tickets to sell. It’s just two people, contributing to eachother’s happiness, and just, having fun.

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~Keith Connelly

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